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#2214 - 05/11/17 01:38 PM A lovely dilemma, but what to do?
junglepet Offline
journeyman

Registered: 10/27/15
Posts: 92
When you read about this some will say, "What's he complaining about?" Here is my dilemma. A little more than a year ago I was about to "retire" from the scene, trying to see two or three ladies that I used to serve and then disappear.

Well, a Mistress who I've known for a long time and retired four, five years ago and moved out of town, returned to set up a non-S&M biz and do sessions on the side. Years ago we did sessions in her dungeon, later on outdoor sessions at dawn (long story) and in her apt. She's probably in her mid 40s (looks like early 30s) and I'm over 60.

When we got together last year we began sessioning in her apt. again and she charged me the old rate. She became more sensual in session and trained me to do a few things I never did before.

Instead of seeing her 4 or 5 times in a year my frequency of sessions have gone up to at least once a month. Constant emails, texts have occurred, mostly from me but some from her. She is really turned on by how she controls me from afar. I'm in deep, deep subspace - almost addicted - and getting deeper and deeper involved. Emotionally, financially I am drained. I don't want to offend her, I have to say goodbye, but I can't stop...

Any advice?

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#2215 - 05/11/17 05:18 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: junglepet]
AspX Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 07/08/16
Posts: 205
Loc: Detroit
Been there... done that... have the heartache to prove it even many years after she stopped seeing me as a Domme (although we still text and are friends). People may wonder why I see most Dommes who visit Detroit and literally travel across the country to see others, but won't see anyone who is local to me... even Pro Dommes I am really good friends with and are excellent at what they do. Well, the reason is that I need that built-in bulwark of distance to insure I do not go to that place again, the place where you currently are.

I don't ever want to go to that place again and I feel for you (if you want to know a bit of what I went through, then read this: https://fetlife.com/users/681884/posts/1166641). What you are dealing with right now can be ridiculously difficult and achingly painful... but, at the same time almost impossible for you to get out of it without her ending it. Her ready availability and how it feeds your own needs makes it difficult to even limit your visits as it is, let alone cutting back.

No matter what you decide to do though, communication is the key as it is in every relationship. She is not just a Pro Domme but also a real person with real feelings, even if they do not exactly match yours. If it is truly draining you, then you have to have that discussion with her so she can understand that. If she is truly a good Domme in the real sense of the title, then she will take control and limit how often and for how long you will be allowed to visit her (I wasn't allowed to see my Domme more than once every three weeks, but that was actually more so she could maintain her own emotional distance than to spare my finances).

She has the control and should use it for your own good. If she doesn't then that tells you something about her that may allow you to set your own personal rules about seeing her that you don't break. If it is all about the finances, then she may move your relationship from a pure pro/client one to a more personal one (for me, that always ends up costing my WAY more money than just sessioning... but, I am unusual in that aspect) and you can "earn" your playtime by serving her in other ways.

In any case, I have no clue how it will go and most likely it will end up going in a manner that neither of us would have predicted. But, my advice is simple... be open and honest with her about the issues you are having and how it is hurting rather than enhancing your life then give her the space and control to make decisions about how to deal with it.
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#2217 - 05/11/17 07:58 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: junglepet]
The Thomas Offline
member

Registered: 10/20/15
Posts: 141
While the gap between pro domination and the lifestyle version is usually quite big (which some subs have a really hard time getting) it is not an absolute and in some instances can erode a bit over time especially if friendship has been fostered. The result can be something of a muddled mongrel mess that is more Twilight Zone than utopia.

Like Aspx I can say this out of experience. I take exception to one of his points but most of what he says is good advice.

I will add one suggestion. Subspace varies both in flavor and intensity but in all of them testosterone is a key ingredient.
Subspace has some similarity to "in the bubble" erotic trance of porn addiction. You might want to try to disrupt that with frequent orgasms. Try to do that without any fantasizing whatsoever but if you must fantasize about anything BUT your beloved. Yes I sense that your connection to her has a spiritual dimension as well as an erotic one but if you can tome down the eros the spiritual element can be addressed in a more rational manner.

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#2218 - 05/11/17 07:59 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: AspX]
The Thomas Offline
member

Registered: 10/20/15
Posts: 141
Originally Posted By AspX
for me, that always ends up costing my WAY more money than just sessioning... but, I am unusual in that aspect


No, not really

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#2224 - 05/11/17 09:24 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: junglepet]
Sissybuttslave Offline
member

Registered: 11/27/15
Posts: 191
Loc: Atlanta, Ga
Jungle pet, you have gotten good advice from AspX and the Thomas. It is wonderful that this community is pulling together to support you. i am sorry that you are going through this difficult time, it sounds like resolution may be difficult, but that honest/open conversation is important. please remember SSC (safe, sane, consensual) - if the financial drain is so excessive, you have to make the hard choice to protect yourself. If the Domme does care about you as her sub, she will recognize the right things to do. I understand the emotional drain, but i also think life has highs and lows- we need the lows to appreciate how wonderful the highs are. you will get through this and we are here for you!
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#2227 - 05/11/17 10:19 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: The Thomas]
AspX Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 07/08/16
Posts: 205
Loc: Detroit
Thomas,

Thinking about it, you are probably right. However, its one of the few Pro/client subjects we don't talk about because its a sub issue that relates to crossing a barrier, as well as money, so I think we are all skittish about discussing it as a topic in front of Dommes.

Costs more & you play a lot less... but, it is more fulfilling at an emotional level when it is working well.
_________________________
Feel free to message me here or somewhere else:
Fetlife: Asp_X
Twitter: @_asp_x

Twitter: @DommeTravel (Tag me in travel updates or DM)

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#2228 - 05/11/17 10:24 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: The Thomas]
AspX Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 07/08/16
Posts: 205
Loc: Detroit
Originally Posted By The Thomas


I take exception to one of his points but most of what he says is good advice.



Er... only one? and good advice from me? I think we're the ones who have entered the Twilight Zone here crazy
_________________________
Feel free to message me here or somewhere else:
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Twitter: @_asp_x

Twitter: @DommeTravel (Tag me in travel updates or DM)

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#2239 - 05/15/17 12:56 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: junglepet]
Mistress Ayn Offline

addict

Registered: 10/13/15
Posts: 444
Loc: Atlanta, GA
Junglepet, I believe the men of this forum have done an excellent job of advising you. Their advice will probably be much more poignant than any I could give you because they can relate with your feelings better than I can.

I fully agree that you must have a serious talk with your Mistress. I suggest it be face to face, outside of her play space - on neutral ground. Honesty is the best policy. Lay it out for her in painful detail. If she has a heart, she will understand and do what she can to help you let go.

It sounds like the two of you have become friends of a sort. I am sure you are aware of this, but your feelings for her are likely much stronger than hers for you. It's a bitter pill to take sometimes, but it's a harsh truth. It is the nature of the business.

I can't say that I have had a situation exactly like this one (that I was advised of). The closest was a client that had an emotional break due to a wealth of issues (marital, job, alcoholism, etc). He attempted suicide and wound up in recovery. As part of his therapy he was advised to discontinue seeing Me for at least one year. We met for lunch and he told Me the details and I agreed with his therapist. However, he considered Me a friend - he had confided things to Me he had told no one else, he had trusted Me with his body like he had trusted no other. At some point he considered Me the the only bright spot in his life, so it's only natural that he would feel a unique closeness. He lamented losing the "friendship" more than the playtime, I think. So I suggested that we meet for lunch when he felt he had a need to talk and we did this occasionally for close to 2 years. In turn, I removed him from My email list, suggested that he delete his twitter account, etc. There was no need for him to be tempted with things that were forbidden.

If your Domme has a care for you, she will understand and help you "recover". A good and responsible top has a duty to look out for the best interest of their bottoms. Odds are she understands this and will make the parting as easy on you as she can.

The Thomas has good understanding of how brain chemicals fuel sessions and D/s relationships, so you might want to give his advice a try. you have a good little band of friends here and we all wish you the best in coping with this. If I can be of additional help, feel free to PM Me.
_________________________
Making grown men cry . . . and loving every minute of it.

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Content site: www.aynrules.com
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#2473 - 07/16/17 05:12 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: The Thomas]
Luke Cage Offline
newbie

Registered: 01/26/16
Posts: 25
Loc: NY, Philly, LA
ROTFL! I'm laughing and crying, because you speak the truth.
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Ever wonder why superheroes keep getting captured and tortured?

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#2474 - 07/16/17 06:43 PM Re: A lovely dilemma, but what to do? [Re: Luke Cage]
The Thomas Offline
member

Registered: 10/20/15
Posts: 141
Hopefully Junglepet will return soon. I think you and he have a lot in common.

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